bloodied_angel7

This is for jess, because she is sitting across the room from me refreshing livejournal and complaining that no one is updating.

So jess, this is for you..the cupcake fairy :P
<3

'Hello floor! Make me a sammich! sammich sammich sammich!!!'

Today I realised something.
I am absolutely terrified of death. It's just way too final and it bothers me that I can't do anything about it.

One of my friends from high school died the day before yesterday and I just found out.

I wasn't even close to him, I didn't even know him that well....but he was actually nice to me, and one of the few people I wouldn't have shot if I had been the type to stage a school shooting.

And I never told him that it meant something to me that he was nice to me.
And now I won't get the chance.

Fuck I wish people would stop dying.

RIP Melanie (December 2006)
RIP James (December 2007)
RIP Danny (December 2008)

I'm not sure I can watch you hurt yourself like this again...
I hope that you're okay.
I know that you don't read this but I wanted you to know that I'm worried about you.

I hope to god I mean a little more than the sounds that escape your tired 4am lips,
And oh-how I wish I meant a little more than a symphony of heavy breathing and the friction of hips

*sigh*

Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,
And the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
And to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
You let this one person come down in the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is
A reminder of what I'll never have
I'll never have...I'll never
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
But this table for one has become bearable.
I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.
Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,
And the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
And to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds
And you let this one person come down, come down.
I cherish you...I cherish you.
Just say you would do the same for me.
Just say you would do the same for me.
Say you would do the same...
Just say you would do the same for me.
For as much as I love Autumn,
I'm giving myself to Ashes.

This song makes me weak...

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Tomorrow is my last exam...hooray!
I'm actually (for once in my life) not stressed about it at all, thanks to the wonderful Andrew who did some maths and figured out that I only really need about 20% on this exam to pass the unit.
The advantage of this knowledge is that I am not a raging ball of stress like I normally would be the night before an exam, but the downside is that my lack of caring has led me to spend the majority of my day procrastinating.
When I actually started doing some work, I realised that the practice exam I was given basically is the exam...A list of 10 questions, 6 of which will be on the exam.
This made me procrastinate even more.
But meh.

In other news I am currently cursing my laziness and lack of interesting food...For some reason this evening I was living in a parallel universe in which it seemed like a good idea to go to the mess and buy food.
As a result of my baked gnocchi with sage and pine nuts, which sounded good in theory, but really wasn't, I now feel sick.
Stupid halls food...I wonder if I could sue them if I ended up with food poisoning and couldn't sit my exam....Hmmm...

It's times like these that I wish I had a time machine...I would really love to be able to go forward in time to this time tomorrow, when I would have finished my exams and when I shall be basking in the awesomeness of having large quantities of free time.....
There are many many things I plan to do with my free time...The majority of which involves reading and watching dvds...I can finish watching the various dvds I have borrowed from people, finish reading the books I have borrowed from people...borrow more books from people and read them as well...
I can't wait until tomorrow.

As you can tell, this post is yet another means of my procrastination...So I should probably try and care about this exam and do some study for it.

goodbye and thanks for all the fish

clearly this is an attempt at procrastination.
this is clearly because i have exams this week which i should be studying for.
clearly my brain won't let me form enough coherent thought to study for them.
clearly this week sucks.

and also a hug would be nice....

I'M MOVING OUT OF HALLS!!! SQUEE!!!^_^

Wow, isn't it funny how when you think you're getting along with people, all of a sudden, from nowhere you start to wonder what you were thinking?
Well...that's not exactly what I was wondering, I was actually wondering when people were going to realise that they're not in highschool anymore and that it is time to grow the fuck up.

If I dont go and see people then I'm clearly avoiding them and I hate them...It wouldnt happen to be due to the fact that I have a fricken exam tomorrow morning because 'We have work due as well but we don't hide away in our rooms all the time' but then when I do decide to go and talk to people, it turns out that they don't actually want to talk to me in the first place and they spend the whole time being conde-fucking-scending, and again I wonder why I even left my room.

I give up, I hate this place....no...I dont hate the place...my room, my haven, isn't that bad, it could most definitely be worse.
No...it's not the place...it's the people I hate.

Time: 2:36am
Essay Status: DONE!!! 1,273 words....ok so its not quite 1500 words like it is supposed to be but i really doubt that my tutor will notice if it is 200 words or so under. i am just relieved to have the stupid thing finally finished.
hooray! *victory dance*

Essay status: 540 words...about 900 to go

I hate writing essays. it has taken me the longest time to just start the god forsaken piece of shite...and my ensuing frustration resulted in me scapegoating andrew when he tried to help. I feel horrible, he tried to help and i unleashed my frustration upon him for no reason.
the worst thing is that i know that this essay wouldnt be bothering me nearly as much if i hadnt left it until the last minute...and because i did that i had to put other things on the back burner, meaning that now they have been left to the last minute and GAH!!! so begins a vicious cycle.

i hate this. i want it to be over.

Time: 1:00pm Sunday afternoon
Assignment count:5
Completed: none
Days until German Oral Exam: 3
Preparation done: not enough
Caffeinated beverages: 2
Nervous breakdown: imminent

Wow...I really am screwed academically. And I think that the worst part of it is that I'm beginning to not care, which I know is a bad thing. After years of waiting I am finally where i want to be, and in truth it appears that for once things are falling into place and actually making sense...so why do I still not want to get up in the morning?

Fuck. I don't even know how to verbalise this. I feel like I should write this down, that's what this journal is for, right? But...how can I write this down when my thoughts and my emotions are not making sense? They're not forming clear patterns. All I'm getting are random words, a random stream of my consciousness. Life. Death. Whore. Me? Loneliness. All alone. Forever. Yes. No. Maybe. Never. Hate. Love. Emotions? Emotionless. Numb. Again. Over and Over. Again. Repeat. Death. Dying. Dying. Dead. Kill. You? No. Anyone? No. Me? Maybe...I don't know. tears? Crying. No. Weakness. Strength. None. Nowhere. Gone. Be strong. Stand tall. Fall. Crawl. Beg. Plead. Forgiveness? None. Mercy? No.
Hurt? Yes. Pain. Yes. Help? None. No. Please. Not now. Not again. No escape. No more. Hope? No. Help. Please.
I'm Sorry.

The car is packed and my life (well, parts of it anyways) are in boxes. My parents have been on the verge of tears for the past week and this still hasn't really sunk in for me yet. I've said goodbye to everyone who is important to me and my room no longer feels like my own....
Wow...I guess that this really does mean I'm leaving home.

Shit.


*hides*

One more broken heart
One more tear on my pillow
Another voice in my head
Someone else I shouldn't have let into my bed
One more reason to fear the world
Another reason to hate myself
One more reason to doubt my worth
One more night I'll cry myself to sleep
Another regret to add to the list.

my world and all of my oh so carefully laid plans just turned themselves upside down! mine is a world gone topsy turvy...the result of this being that i have to act as adult as my 18 years say that i am and make a decision as to what i plan to do for the rest of my life.
i dont want to make a decision, i hate making decisions...part of me is happy that at last i can say that im old enough to do what i want with my life, i am old enough to make my own decisions...but there is another part of me that wishes someone would tell me what im supposed to do. because then if it turned out that i was unhappy with it, i could blame someone else...god i just realised how childish i sound.

As hard as I try, my demons won't disappear. I feel that I'm ok now. That the places, people and events which have haunted me have evaporated or become bearable.
My breath no longer stops short when I see him.
I don't hear his voice in my head anymore.
I'm no longer ashamed, and (most of the time) I can hold my head high when I walk down the street.
I don't want to die anymore, I have realised that life is never going to be easy, and that if it was it wouldn't be in any way exciting.
I have realised that I need the bad days, when I don't want to get up, to make the good days worthwhile.

I don't know, I almost feel as if I have become completely devoid of all emotion. I feel numb. I can act happy when occasion calls for it but the actual emotion just isn't there. I am beginning to wonder if this is the calm before the storm, if this is a sign that there is darkness ahead for me, with no light at the end of the tunnel...or perhaps I am just being melodramatic.

I am only now beginning to realise the effect of my emotions on those around me...the simple fact is, people like me more when I am happy. I wonder does this mean that when I find myself devoid of happiness and other emotions, I will also find myself devoid of friendship or company. perhaps I will find myself alone again.

I think i'm going to end this here and go to bed before I think too much and start some kind of vicious cycle from which i cannot retreat...anyway, I have to get up early to go shopping for a dress to wear to my graduation dinner.

For some strange reason, i always thought that growing up, turning 18, becoming an adult and leaving school would be easy. Oh how wrong i was...I haven't even finished my exams yet and I'm expected to make decisions which will change my life, forever. I always thought that I would relish this opportunity to do what I want to do, live my life my way, but now that I have been given a choice I have realised that I can't do that.
I dont know how I want to live my life.
No plans have been laid, no arrangements made...nothing. Since the beginning of last year my only goal was to make it this far...and I seriously did not believe that I would, so I didnt plan for what comes next.
now I find myself here, nine days away from being rid of school and the hell that goes with it, forever...so now what do I do?